About a week ago I asked some girlfriends in Tova's playgroup to tell me stories about the wild things they've seen other parents do. "Don't you think there should be some sort of test that people have to pass before becoming parents?" I asked - some bare competency? My example was seeing a woman carrying her 4 year old through the grocery store on a cold winter day. The child had on clothing, a coat and hat... but no shoes or socks. The child did not want to walk on the floor presumably because her feet were cold. Aghast, I rushed home and sent the message out to my gal pals, "oh my gosh! Is that awful or what!"
What I didn't realize until today is that I broke the cardinal rule of parenting: Thou shall not judge other mothers.
Just last night as we sit on the couch staring blankly at the TV I asked my husband, "am I a bad mother?"
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I've let our daughter cry herself to sleep for the last three nights. Do you think she doesn't trust me anymore? Is this emotional child abuse?"
We had a long conversation, weighing the pro's and con's to the Ferber method as recommended by Tova's doctor. She won't fall asleep without sucking my nipple clear off - and after 40 min I'm ready to let her do just that. "The longer she goes without learning to fall asleep on her own the harder it will be," her doctor said. And with that knowledge we armed ourselves with earplugs and went to work.
I know I'm a good mother. I make mistakes and learn from them. But I question myself countless times each day, "did I make the diaper too tight? Can I get 10 more minutes with her in this sling while I wait for a new batch of Krispy Kremes?" With all of the questioning I impose upon myself, how dare I pass judgement on another mother. Maybe her daughter fights her tooth and nail to keep her shoes and socks off. Maybe she threw up on them in the car and mom is running into the store to get her some Tylenol. Who knows - it's not my place to ask.
The only response I got from my group was one mother passing judgement on herself. I just assumed these ladies were as confident in their fantastic skills as they should be - at least from an outsider's perspective. The question I should have asked was, "what's the craziest thing you've ever done and hoped no one would notice?"
I've got a few of those stories. My best one? I let myself and my child sit in t-shirts covered in her puke for 30 minutes what I read a magazine article in the bathroom at the airport. I was so upset by Tova's crying for 2 hours straight through her first flight that as soon as we disembarked I handed her off to her father, ran into the bathroom, and read a magazine to collect myself. Cracked magazine - not even scholarly!
I'm still a good mom, and so is everyone else who's had a lapse in judgement from time to time.
