Barmy Adverts 2: Fun with Baby

We all have a little bit of crazy in us. Most of us let it out in little bits via bizarro Facebook postings and under-the-breath comments at staff meetings (or slightly off-kilter blogs).

And then there are helicopter parents. Or "Helli-folk" as I dub them. They are often the most normal people you know - great fun to be around until BAM the kids arrive and you're stuck taking small unnoticeable steps away from them, your baby clutched tightly to your chest, praying their bat-shit crazy worries and fears don't entrap you like a spiderweb. This is the kind of crazy that has a built-in marketing base.

If you have one of these friends then here is a list of Must Have items to fill up christmahanukwanzicathiest stockings for years to come. Many of these items came from a catalog I received in the post (without asking for it, mind you) from a company called One Step Ahead. Others came from a pamphlet I got from Babys"R"Us and various magazines from the doctor's office.

No-Shock Head Protection Shield. Even baby crash helmets seem fashionable when they come from Italy. But does it come in leather?

The best part is that they can wear it up until they are 2 years old. Sorry moms and dads - you'll have to shell out for a football helmet after that. But don't worry, I'm sure you can find adjustable helmets that will fit well into adulthood when they're still living in your basement.

ThumbGuard and FingerGuard. For $75 you can give your kid the next best thing to a neck brace. I feel like I've seen this on an episode of "24" used on terrorists.

I can think of a 75 cent solution to thumb sucking and it's called Peroxide.

Bounce-A-Round. This thing could be pretty cool - it's like a bouncy castle. But part of the fun of trampolines is the knowledge that, at any moment, you could break something. Most likely it will be your nose, which in my family translates into getting the nose job you always wanted. But watch out heli-folk - if you put both kids in there they might crash into one another and that means 2 emergency room bills. Oh my gosh, wait, they could get hurt on this if they jump together... better buy two.

Nuroo Pocket. Ever wish you could be a Kangaroo?

And I think this product is sexist. I showed it to my husband and his first response was, "you need hips and fashion sense for that and I have neither." :(

Bosombuddy. I remember when my boobs smooshed together after I had the baby. My husband thought it was awesome. Why would I want to mess with that?

Uddercover. This lady has a sensual look - you should not have this look while breast feeding. It gives other babies the wrong idea.

I'm lucky, I live in Oregon where mothers (and fathers too - I don't ask, it's Oregon) breastfeed in public as freely as eating a sandwhich (a gluten-free vegan locally grown sandwhich). These things aren't necessary around here. But on occassion I'll have that rare out-of-towner who's flown in for beerfest staring at me in wide-eyed wonder and I have to cover up as much for his sake as my own. In those cases I have a $3 scarf that can tuck into my bra strap. But you may have to graduate to a shawl when baby reaches two years - I know its says Organic, but how can you be sure?

BellyWashers. It just sounds weird.

Flatten Me. "Get your child reading early with a gift about them." It's important to start narcissism young, but that's not what bugs me about this product - it's that I didn't think of it first. I remember when I was a kid my mom took a children's birthday album and re-recorded all the bits from "kid" to my brother's name. When you listened to the final product the singer would say, "Hey... {Steve}... it's your birthday!" but at my bro's name it would pause for, like, 2 full seconds and my mom would rush his name into the recording, and then 2 more seconds before the song started again. It was Classic! This book is like an awkward photo version of that well-meaning attempt by my mom to make something special for her son. Only this is not special (they've sold thousands) and it still looks crappy. And the story is just awful!

Do yourself a favor and make a photobook online. And, as a former librarian I can honestly say every child is born with the desire to read. The key is to read the book TO them, not just leave it lying there in the crib. And chewing on the book IS in fact reading... they are digesting the story arc.

Baby Bjorn. It's not just a great Danish rock group, it's a carrier too! I didn't doctor this photo. I just wanted to throw it up here to show how important it is to get a second opinion before sending to the press.

The daughter of Satan is here and she prefers to face forward.

 

 

 

Another picture I had to add. I can just imagine this girl when she grows up and moves into a hip studio apartment in Williamsburg and goes to a very fashionable party and someone asks, "have you modeled?" and she says, "why yes, I was a child model actually..."