Barmy Adverts: The Joy of Pregnancy

I've got a lot of junk I don't need. Like most new parents I brought home loads of parenting magazines from the doctor's office after each visit and poured through them all, making lists of indispensable products I absolutely had to have. Now I'm gearing up for a garage sale and I'll be lucky to get 1/5 of what I paid for all that crap.

Here you'll find some products even I wasn't dumb enough to fall for. I seriously have no idea who would buy this stuff, well, maybe I've got an opinion or two...

Gownies by Baby Be Mine: This is a nice idea. A flashy maternity gown that makes you feel a little more put together when you look your worst, and a matching nightgown for you and baby to take pictures in after your ordeal. I'm sorry to be so frank but your expensive designer maternity gown will most likely have to be burnt after what you're about to put it through, and the thought of changing into a cute outfit will leave you wanting to castrate its designer as much as your partner. 

 

A note to parents: you have to take your baby out of the hospital blanky swaddle eventually - apparently you can't keep them wrapped up until you leave like you thought you could.

 

 

Bumper Belly: Face facts right now - someone is going to elbow your stomach in a crowded area. It sucks and it will scare the bejeezus out of you but it's going to happen. Mine happened when I had the bright idea of going to the downtown market in Portland at 8 months because, "damnit, I need to walk! And I need some new f'ing scenery! And perogies!" Some new-age douchebag with long 'gentle' hair was running past me to get to the homemade soap stand and elbowed me just above the navel. Mama bear came out and I lunged for him and groooowled. Actually growled! My husband had to hold me back from grabbing a chunk of his hair and yanking it down to my belly and forcing him to apologize to my unborn child. He was dumbfounded when my open hand just missed him. "Sorry" he muttered with terror-stricken eyes and kept running. We ran to find a seat where we could count kicks for a half hour until I was sure we didn't need to go to the emergency room.

A product like Bumper Belly makes money off of every parent's worst nightmare. Only in this case the culprit is not my douchebag James Taylor look-alike, but your first child. Yes, that's right, according to this article there's a very good chance your firstborn will try to kill (or permanently damage) your second born. It's biblical, man. And Bumber Belly warned you!

 

Thyme Maternity: This isn't so much a bad product as it is a bad advert. I don't know about other mom's but I'm pretty sure most did not feel 'so happy they could dance' at 8 or 9 months. I danced at 9 months once. It was 2 days before Tova was born, July 4th, and I went to the town parade and waited. Waited until the marching band came over the hill and I marched right along side them, twirling my imaginary baton, praying it would make the baby come out. The overweight kid with the bass drum was my buddy for a good half mile. I think it worked. But I most definately was Not smiling and laughing while this was going on. Maybe a kind of twitchy smile, but certainly no laughter.

 

Sonostream Live by United Imaging Partners: This goes into the category of "those with money to burn." I'd group it with those adverts that say they can predict your baby's gender at 10 weeks instead of waiting your turn, like the rest of us, until 18 weeks. Sure the image is going to have a resemblance of your actual child - all babies look the same until they're about a month old - your choice of Winston Churchill or Alfred Hitchcock.

 

There is no Sonostream center in Oregon or Washington, but you Could travel to... oh wow, Texas is the nearest one. Well, I really really can't wait one more month to see what she's gonna look like in person. And someone, it doesn't say who, gave it 4 stars. "You'll fall in love with this deeply moving, and emotional thrill ride!"

 

Sold!

 

bellybuds by Candy Sprout and Lullabelly: You could stick earbuds to your stomach and belt out Mozart. Maybe it will make her smarter.

 

Or you could do what I do and blast 80's goth rock in your car at the back end of the parking lot so no one can see you eating a whole pound of yogurt munch by yourself. Sure it's because you feel ashamed, but you can tell everyone it's because you wanted to prepare her for Mensa.

 

 

Bottome Line: save your dough for the important stuff like pregnancy approved sushi and name brand heartburn medication.

 





Dang, I stepped in Hamentashen!

Happy Purim all! Initially I got some flack about using a sugar cookie recipe to bake cookies this year. To those people I say, "last year I was sans newborn, this year I'm lucky to get as much time to bake as I do to use the powder room!"

The reception once tasted, however, was sugary joy :)

Sugar Cookie Base
1.5 cups butter, soft
2 cups white sugar
4 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon pineapple juice
5 cups flour
2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt

Cream butter and sugar together in large bowl. Beat eggs, vanilla and juice in small bowl, then add and beat into butter mix. Stir in remaining ingredients. Cover and chill at least 1 hour.
Roll out dough and use large round cookie cutters. Roll into 3 sides and pinch edges to make triangle. Add filling and place on parchment lined tray.
Cook 8-10 min at 400 degrees. Makes 50.

Filling
3 oz cream cheese, full fat
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 cup plus 1/4 cup

Blend ingredients together in food processor. Makes enough for 2 tsp in 50 cookies.

I'm Concerned About Rock (not the wrestler)

I listen to the radio a lot these days. It helps to block out the incessant pitter-patter of rain during the long months of winter. And I'll admit I'm one of those NPR snobs who gets many of her genius opinions from various guys named Ira.

Like most people I find myself switching over to music when the pledge drive starts. Honestly, I'd rather be in the dark about what's going on in the world than listen to newscasters who are hired solely for their monotone voices blather on about how interesting they are for a whole week. They always promise to end the drive early if I pay up - kind of like extorsion if you think about it - so I send in my $50 (don't judge me, I'm unemployed) and they lie! It doesn't end!

So I've been listening to the local rock station. Portland is a hip city, I like to think they play hip music for hip people like myself. But I'm getting a funny feeling that I shouldn't get when I listen to music. I get creeped out. Like there's a shirtless old guy rubbing his thighs while he watches you play soccer kind of creeped out. Like Gary Glitter is winking at me kind of creeped out. Why? I'm glad you asked.

There's a trend going on right now that I don't like and it involves grown men and women being cute. I blame that awful woman Zoey Descha-whatever (you aren't funny! I don't care how good your ratings are, you are terrible!)

A song begins and I think, "hey, alright, this has potential, I'm digging this, I can't wait to hear more!" and then the singer starts up and I say, "whoa! hold on! you're in your 30's right? so why are you singing like that kid everyone remembers in middle school who got the choir solo for Lion King because he had more freckles than anyone else was so gosh darn adorable... regardless of talent...?" I swear it sounds like the singer is looking over at his guitarist and gives him a knowing smile that says, "yeah, we're having fun up here, and that's just how we roll."

A few cases in point:

Silversun Pickups, "The Pit"

This guy is just the worst. His voice is so affected. I want to slap him and say, "sing normal! you have a great backup band who are worked their asses off, so stop doing that thing with your voice that ruins it."


Of Monsters and Men, "Mountain Sound"

This video was taped in Williamsburg so I don't need to say too much. I blame Zoey Deschitnell for making chicks think they can get away with this cute crap and then demand to be taken seriously. Once again, great musicians getting thwarted by a duo of lame-asses singing all cuddly to one another. Have you listened to the lyrics? I'm fine with things not making sense, but they don't rhyme! I have a problem with that!


Fun, "Some Nights"

Now they're giving out awards to these people - it only encourages them!

If anyone reads this blog please forward it on to aspiring musicians. Tell them I say, no I beg, please be gritty. Stop listening to one word groups like Feist and Fun with singers who always sound like their sharing in some adorable joke with the audience. It's creepy and weird and not "fun" to listen to. So stop. Just stop. Bad musician. Bad!