I'm Concerned About Rock (not the wrestler)

I listen to the radio a lot these days. It helps to block out the incessant pitter-patter of rain during the long months of winter. And I'll admit I'm one of those NPR snobs who gets many of her genius opinions from various guys named Ira.

Like most people I find myself switching over to music when the pledge drive starts. Honestly, I'd rather be in the dark about what's going on in the world than listen to newscasters who are hired solely for their monotone voices blather on about how interesting they are for a whole week. They always promise to end the drive early if I pay up - kind of like extorsion if you think about it - so I send in my $50 (don't judge me, I'm unemployed) and they lie! It doesn't end!

So I've been listening to the local rock station. Portland is a hip city, I like to think they play hip music for hip people like myself. But I'm getting a funny feeling that I shouldn't get when I listen to music. I get creeped out. Like there's a shirtless old guy rubbing his thighs while he watches you play soccer kind of creeped out. Like Gary Glitter is winking at me kind of creeped out. Why? I'm glad you asked.

There's a trend going on right now that I don't like and it involves grown men and women being cute. I blame that awful woman Zoey Descha-whatever (you aren't funny! I don't care how good your ratings are, you are terrible!)

A song begins and I think, "hey, alright, this has potential, I'm digging this, I can't wait to hear more!" and then the singer starts up and I say, "whoa! hold on! you're in your 30's right? so why are you singing like that kid everyone remembers in middle school who got the choir solo for Lion King because he had more freckles than anyone else was so gosh darn adorable... regardless of talent...?" I swear it sounds like the singer is looking over at his guitarist and gives him a knowing smile that says, "yeah, we're having fun up here, and that's just how we roll."

A few cases in point:

Silversun Pickups, "The Pit"

This guy is just the worst. His voice is so affected. I want to slap him and say, "sing normal! you have a great backup band who are worked their asses off, so stop doing that thing with your voice that ruins it."


Of Monsters and Men, "Mountain Sound"

This video was taped in Williamsburg so I don't need to say too much. I blame Zoey Deschitnell for making chicks think they can get away with this cute crap and then demand to be taken seriously. Once again, great musicians getting thwarted by a duo of lame-asses singing all cuddly to one another. Have you listened to the lyrics? I'm fine with things not making sense, but they don't rhyme! I have a problem with that!


Fun, "Some Nights"

Now they're giving out awards to these people - it only encourages them!

If anyone reads this blog please forward it on to aspiring musicians. Tell them I say, no I beg, please be gritty. Stop listening to one word groups like Feist and Fun with singers who always sound like their sharing in some adorable joke with the audience. It's creepy and weird and not "fun" to listen to. So stop. Just stop. Bad musician. Bad!