Barmy Adverts 2: Fun with Baby

We all have a little bit of crazy in us. Most of us let it out in little bits via bizarro Facebook postings and under-the-breath comments at staff meetings (or slightly off-kilter blogs).

And then there are helicopter parents. Or "Helli-folk" as I dub them. They are often the most normal people you know - great fun to be around until BAM the kids arrive and you're stuck taking small unnoticeable steps away from them, your baby clutched tightly to your chest, praying their bat-shit crazy worries and fears don't entrap you like a spiderweb. This is the kind of crazy that has a built-in marketing base.

If you have one of these friends then here is a list of Must Have items to fill up christmahanukwanzicathiest stockings for years to come. Many of these items came from a catalog I received in the post (without asking for it, mind you) from a company called One Step Ahead. Others came from a pamphlet I got from Babys"R"Us and various magazines from the doctor's office.

No-Shock Head Protection Shield. Even baby crash helmets seem fashionable when they come from Italy. But does it come in leather?

The best part is that they can wear it up until they are 2 years old. Sorry moms and dads - you'll have to shell out for a football helmet after that. But don't worry, I'm sure you can find adjustable helmets that will fit well into adulthood when they're still living in your basement.

ThumbGuard and FingerGuard. For $75 you can give your kid the next best thing to a neck brace. I feel like I've seen this on an episode of "24" used on terrorists.

I can think of a 75 cent solution to thumb sucking and it's called Peroxide.

Bounce-A-Round. This thing could be pretty cool - it's like a bouncy castle. But part of the fun of trampolines is the knowledge that, at any moment, you could break something. Most likely it will be your nose, which in my family translates into getting the nose job you always wanted. But watch out heli-folk - if you put both kids in there they might crash into one another and that means 2 emergency room bills. Oh my gosh, wait, they could get hurt on this if they jump together... better buy two.

Nuroo Pocket. Ever wish you could be a Kangaroo?

And I think this product is sexist. I showed it to my husband and his first response was, "you need hips and fashion sense for that and I have neither." :(

Bosombuddy. I remember when my boobs smooshed together after I had the baby. My husband thought it was awesome. Why would I want to mess with that?

Uddercover. This lady has a sensual look - you should not have this look while breast feeding. It gives other babies the wrong idea.

I'm lucky, I live in Oregon where mothers (and fathers too - I don't ask, it's Oregon) breastfeed in public as freely as eating a sandwhich (a gluten-free vegan locally grown sandwhich). These things aren't necessary around here. But on occassion I'll have that rare out-of-towner who's flown in for beerfest staring at me in wide-eyed wonder and I have to cover up as much for his sake as my own. In those cases I have a $3 scarf that can tuck into my bra strap. But you may have to graduate to a shawl when baby reaches two years - I know its says Organic, but how can you be sure?

BellyWashers. It just sounds weird.

Flatten Me. "Get your child reading early with a gift about them." It's important to start narcissism young, but that's not what bugs me about this product - it's that I didn't think of it first. I remember when I was a kid my mom took a children's birthday album and re-recorded all the bits from "kid" to my brother's name. When you listened to the final product the singer would say, "Hey... {Steve}... it's your birthday!" but at my bro's name it would pause for, like, 2 full seconds and my mom would rush his name into the recording, and then 2 more seconds before the song started again. It was Classic! This book is like an awkward photo version of that well-meaning attempt by my mom to make something special for her son. Only this is not special (they've sold thousands) and it still looks crappy. And the story is just awful!

Do yourself a favor and make a photobook online. And, as a former librarian I can honestly say every child is born with the desire to read. The key is to read the book TO them, not just leave it lying there in the crib. And chewing on the book IS in fact reading... they are digesting the story arc.

Baby Bjorn. It's not just a great Danish rock group, it's a carrier too! I didn't doctor this photo. I just wanted to throw it up here to show how important it is to get a second opinion before sending to the press.

The daughter of Satan is here and she prefers to face forward.

 

 

 

Another picture I had to add. I can just imagine this girl when she grows up and moves into a hip studio apartment in Williamsburg and goes to a very fashionable party and someone asks, "have you modeled?" and she says, "why yes, I was a child model actually..."

 



Barmy Adverts: The Joy of Pregnancy

I've got a lot of junk I don't need. Like most new parents I brought home loads of parenting magazines from the doctor's office after each visit and poured through them all, making lists of indispensable products I absolutely had to have. Now I'm gearing up for a garage sale and I'll be lucky to get 1/5 of what I paid for all that crap.

Here you'll find some products even I wasn't dumb enough to fall for. I seriously have no idea who would buy this stuff, well, maybe I've got an opinion or two...

Gownies by Baby Be Mine: This is a nice idea. A flashy maternity gown that makes you feel a little more put together when you look your worst, and a matching nightgown for you and baby to take pictures in after your ordeal. I'm sorry to be so frank but your expensive designer maternity gown will most likely have to be burnt after what you're about to put it through, and the thought of changing into a cute outfit will leave you wanting to castrate its designer as much as your partner. 

 

A note to parents: you have to take your baby out of the hospital blanky swaddle eventually - apparently you can't keep them wrapped up until you leave like you thought you could.

 

 

Bumper Belly: Face facts right now - someone is going to elbow your stomach in a crowded area. It sucks and it will scare the bejeezus out of you but it's going to happen. Mine happened when I had the bright idea of going to the downtown market in Portland at 8 months because, "damnit, I need to walk! And I need some new f'ing scenery! And perogies!" Some new-age douchebag with long 'gentle' hair was running past me to get to the homemade soap stand and elbowed me just above the navel. Mama bear came out and I lunged for him and groooowled. Actually growled! My husband had to hold me back from grabbing a chunk of his hair and yanking it down to my belly and forcing him to apologize to my unborn child. He was dumbfounded when my open hand just missed him. "Sorry" he muttered with terror-stricken eyes and kept running. We ran to find a seat where we could count kicks for a half hour until I was sure we didn't need to go to the emergency room.

A product like Bumper Belly makes money off of every parent's worst nightmare. Only in this case the culprit is not my douchebag James Taylor look-alike, but your first child. Yes, that's right, according to this article there's a very good chance your firstborn will try to kill (or permanently damage) your second born. It's biblical, man. And Bumber Belly warned you!

 

Thyme Maternity: This isn't so much a bad product as it is a bad advert. I don't know about other mom's but I'm pretty sure most did not feel 'so happy they could dance' at 8 or 9 months. I danced at 9 months once. It was 2 days before Tova was born, July 4th, and I went to the town parade and waited. Waited until the marching band came over the hill and I marched right along side them, twirling my imaginary baton, praying it would make the baby come out. The overweight kid with the bass drum was my buddy for a good half mile. I think it worked. But I most definately was Not smiling and laughing while this was going on. Maybe a kind of twitchy smile, but certainly no laughter.

 

Sonostream Live by United Imaging Partners: This goes into the category of "those with money to burn." I'd group it with those adverts that say they can predict your baby's gender at 10 weeks instead of waiting your turn, like the rest of us, until 18 weeks. Sure the image is going to have a resemblance of your actual child - all babies look the same until they're about a month old - your choice of Winston Churchill or Alfred Hitchcock.

 

There is no Sonostream center in Oregon or Washington, but you Could travel to... oh wow, Texas is the nearest one. Well, I really really can't wait one more month to see what she's gonna look like in person. And someone, it doesn't say who, gave it 4 stars. "You'll fall in love with this deeply moving, and emotional thrill ride!"

 

Sold!

 

bellybuds by Candy Sprout and Lullabelly: You could stick earbuds to your stomach and belt out Mozart. Maybe it will make her smarter.

 

Or you could do what I do and blast 80's goth rock in your car at the back end of the parking lot so no one can see you eating a whole pound of yogurt munch by yourself. Sure it's because you feel ashamed, but you can tell everyone it's because you wanted to prepare her for Mensa.

 

 

Bottome Line: save your dough for the important stuff like pregnancy approved sushi and name brand heartburn medication.

 





Dang, I stepped in Hamentashen!

Happy Purim all! Initially I got some flack about using a sugar cookie recipe to bake cookies this year. To those people I say, "last year I was sans newborn, this year I'm lucky to get as much time to bake as I do to use the powder room!"

The reception once tasted, however, was sugary joy :)

Sugar Cookie Base
1.5 cups butter, soft
2 cups white sugar
4 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon pineapple juice
5 cups flour
2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt

Cream butter and sugar together in large bowl. Beat eggs, vanilla and juice in small bowl, then add and beat into butter mix. Stir in remaining ingredients. Cover and chill at least 1 hour.
Roll out dough and use large round cookie cutters. Roll into 3 sides and pinch edges to make triangle. Add filling and place on parchment lined tray.
Cook 8-10 min at 400 degrees. Makes 50.

Filling
3 oz cream cheese, full fat
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 cup plus 1/4 cup

Blend ingredients together in food processor. Makes enough for 2 tsp in 50 cookies.

I'm Concerned About Rock (not the wrestler)

I listen to the radio a lot these days. It helps to block out the incessant pitter-patter of rain during the long months of winter. And I'll admit I'm one of those NPR snobs who gets many of her genius opinions from various guys named Ira.

Like most people I find myself switching over to music when the pledge drive starts. Honestly, I'd rather be in the dark about what's going on in the world than listen to newscasters who are hired solely for their monotone voices blather on about how interesting they are for a whole week. They always promise to end the drive early if I pay up - kind of like extorsion if you think about it - so I send in my $50 (don't judge me, I'm unemployed) and they lie! It doesn't end!

So I've been listening to the local rock station. Portland is a hip city, I like to think they play hip music for hip people like myself. But I'm getting a funny feeling that I shouldn't get when I listen to music. I get creeped out. Like there's a shirtless old guy rubbing his thighs while he watches you play soccer kind of creeped out. Like Gary Glitter is winking at me kind of creeped out. Why? I'm glad you asked.

There's a trend going on right now that I don't like and it involves grown men and women being cute. I blame that awful woman Zoey Descha-whatever (you aren't funny! I don't care how good your ratings are, you are terrible!)

A song begins and I think, "hey, alright, this has potential, I'm digging this, I can't wait to hear more!" and then the singer starts up and I say, "whoa! hold on! you're in your 30's right? so why are you singing like that kid everyone remembers in middle school who got the choir solo for Lion King because he had more freckles than anyone else was so gosh darn adorable... regardless of talent...?" I swear it sounds like the singer is looking over at his guitarist and gives him a knowing smile that says, "yeah, we're having fun up here, and that's just how we roll."

A few cases in point:

Silversun Pickups, "The Pit"

This guy is just the worst. His voice is so affected. I want to slap him and say, "sing normal! you have a great backup band who are worked their asses off, so stop doing that thing with your voice that ruins it."


Of Monsters and Men, "Mountain Sound"

This video was taped in Williamsburg so I don't need to say too much. I blame Zoey Deschitnell for making chicks think they can get away with this cute crap and then demand to be taken seriously. Once again, great musicians getting thwarted by a duo of lame-asses singing all cuddly to one another. Have you listened to the lyrics? I'm fine with things not making sense, but they don't rhyme! I have a problem with that!


Fun, "Some Nights"

Now they're giving out awards to these people - it only encourages them!

If anyone reads this blog please forward it on to aspiring musicians. Tell them I say, no I beg, please be gritty. Stop listening to one word groups like Feist and Fun with singers who always sound like their sharing in some adorable joke with the audience. It's creepy and weird and not "fun" to listen to. So stop. Just stop. Bad musician. Bad!

Good Mom Bad Mom

About a week ago I asked some girlfriends in Tova's playgroup to tell me stories about the wild things they've seen other parents do. "Don't you think there should be some sort of test that people have to pass before becoming parents?" I asked - some bare competency? My example was seeing a woman carrying her 4 year old through the grocery store on a cold winter day. The child had on clothing, a coat and hat... but no shoes or socks. The child did not want to walk on the floor presumably because her feet were cold. Aghast, I rushed home and sent the message out to my gal pals, "oh my gosh! Is that awful or what!"

What I didn't realize until today is that I broke the cardinal rule of parenting: Thou shall not judge other mothers.

Just last night as we sit on the couch staring blankly at the TV I asked my husband, "am I a bad mother?"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I've let our daughter cry herself to sleep for the last three nights. Do you think she doesn't trust me anymore? Is this emotional child abuse?"

We had a long conversation, weighing the pro's and con's to the Ferber method as recommended by Tova's doctor. She won't fall asleep without sucking my nipple clear off - and after 40 min I'm ready to let her do just that. "The longer she goes without learning to fall asleep on her own the harder it will be," her doctor said. And with that knowledge we armed ourselves with earplugs and went to work.

I know I'm a good mother. I make mistakes and learn from them. But I question myself countless times each day, "did I make the diaper too tight? Can I get 10 more minutes with her in this sling while I wait for a new batch of Krispy Kremes?" With all of the questioning I impose upon myself, how dare I pass judgement on another mother. Maybe her daughter fights her tooth and nail to keep her shoes and socks off. Maybe she threw up on them in the car and mom is running into the store to get her some Tylenol. Who knows - it's not my place to ask.

The only response I got from my group was one mother passing judgement on herself. I just assumed these ladies were as confident in their fantastic skills as they should be - at least from an outsider's perspective. The question I should have asked was, "what's the craziest thing you've ever done and hoped no one would notice?"

I've got a few of those stories. My best one? I let myself and my child sit in t-shirts covered in her puke for 30 minutes what I read a magazine article in the bathroom at the airport. I was so upset by Tova's crying for 2 hours straight through her first flight that as soon as we disembarked I handed her off to her father, ran into the bathroom, and read a magazine to collect myself. Cracked magazine - not even scholarly!

I'm still a good mom, and so is everyone else who's had a lapse in judgement from time to time.

Mommy-Inspired Inventions for ages 0-5 months

Sometimes, during feedings and night time walkabouts, I fantasize about inventions I'd build if I actually had engineering talent...

Have Baby Will Travel - Episode 2: What To Pack For Flight

After 20 hours of flight, here is a list of what I found most useful (and what I wish I had):

1. Two Toys (remember your Boogin Head clip!)

2. One Book - something with lasting power like "Mother Goose for Babies"


3. If your baby eats solids try the Boon Squirt Baby Food Dispensing Spoon. I have a friend with one of these and it's the coolest thing ever.

4. A change of clothing


I'm a HUGE fan of Carter's terry cloth sleep n' play footed pajamas. They are warm and breathable.

Avoid fleece as it will make baby sweat (mine wore this one with stinky consequences)

5. An extra bib and an extra burp cloth

6. Changing pad and one diaper + three wipes for every hour projected

7. Pacifier
Tova doesn't use a pacifier, but when the plane started to descend and she wasn't hungry enough to eat she was clasping onto her binky like they were old friends.

8. Iphone Games
Don't forget to download a few preschool apps to keep her entertained when you can't leave the seat. These especially worked well when people were getting on and off the plane and we were stuck for 15 minutes.

Here's a link to some freebies:
http://www.babygamer.com/online_games/free/toddler/toddler_iphone_ipod_apps.htm

9. Plastic ziplock bag 
You'll need a place to stash those vomit soaked burp cloths

10. Gas drops, Nasal Aspirator, Saline, Tylenol with dispenser, Alcohol wipe, Band-aid 
If something is going to go wrong, count on it going wrong a mile up. Be prepared!

11. Baby Blanket
Not a huge blanket, but the small kind that drape over enough for privacy when you breast feed. I had some guy stare at me unabashedly while feeding my girl and I was very happy to have something bigger than a burp cloth to protect my modesty... perv.

12. An extra shirt for yourself
My wee one threw up aaallll over me during the first flight - like it pooled in the area between my shirt and nursing bra type amount. It wasn't the big stain that embarrassed me but the awful smell of stale milk. The memory makes me gag a little.

And make sure the bag itself is washable so you don't have to burn it after you arrive. A teenager on my third flight threw up on mine - yeah, my luck is good like that.